Breaking free


“What is this feeling that I’m having? I knew it was time.”

Remains anonymous: “Now that you two aren’t together anymore, how are you feeling?” 

I: Great.

I knew that wasn’t a lie. Or was it? There I was sitting at my desk on the phone with a friend as they asked me that very question. I took one deep breath before I answered that question as simple as I could, although, it seemed much more complex in my mind. All it took was one simple question that took me back to several days, weeks, months, a couple years maybe, into my nostalgia of us.

I was collecting my thoughts…the only thing at that moment that was replaying in my head was her question. I could feel the chills from the back of my neck slowly creeping to the bottom of my spine. It felt as if I came from a warm soothing comfortable room to entering a room that was cold as ice. I could feel the little hairs on my arm just stand up as if I’ve just seen something morbid. “What is this feeling I’m having?” I silently thought to myself. I can still hear her on the phone as I’m consciously focusing out. My mind, memory, and thoughts, took me back.

It feels like yesterday when we first met, I will never forget the first words we exchanged with each other. I knew he was trying to get my attention the very day I finally acknowledged him. The way we connected with each other was like no other. There was so much chemistry between us, it was like ionic bonds. Nevertheless, as time went on things started to change. So did we. The feeling after we broke up was horrible. It left me cold, and empty. Every time I’d think about him it felt like my heart was being ripped out from my body, frozen in ice, and then thrown on the floor which shattered into thousands of pieces, repetitively. Or that sickness feeling I’d get in my stomach where I would just want to lie down in fetal position. It was that uncomfortable disbelief..

Just to think this wasn’t just anybody, this was someone important to me, someone I deeply cared about. I was in-love..or, well, at least I thought I was. You don’t choose who you fall in-love with, you just do; when I got passed my “upset stage”, I was able to realize I am worth more then how I was being treated. I knew my worth.

I knew the answer I wanted to say, but was I ready to give it? Was this how I really felt, did I officially move on? I thought to myself. As I’m focused out thinking, I can hear my friend calling my name in little microsounds, which then gradually increased. “J? J…J ARE YOU THERE!?”, it sounded like someone turning up the volume on the TV. I felt conscious again. What seemed to be hours in my mind, thinking of how to respond to my friend’s answer, only took me 10 seconds. “Great”, I responded.

I must say I’ve grown to understand more about myself. I know who I am, and I keep learning more all the time. All you really need is time.


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